What Are You Looking For?
A good looking man in his 30s comes into the bar I’m currently managing a few times a week. At first he asked the normal questions: what’s your name, what’s your favorite thing here, how long have you been working here.
And then he asked for my number, which is a fairly harmless question.
My romantic life hasn’t (and won’t) be a topic of conversation for this blog, however I’ll let you know I did not give him my number. He was well natured about it and still comes to the bar frequently.
Yesterday he asked me frankly, “What are you looking for in a man?”
I answered immediately, “Psychological safety.”
You could tell the answer hit him in the face and he sat back in his chair, eyebrows raised, asking for an explanation.
And the answer was simple for me to give. I have money, hobbies, and I don’t require another human to build my self confidence. I’m deeply passionate about my career, my life is beautiful, and I don’t need anything materialistic from a partner.
What I want is psychological safety. The ability to wholly be Kayla, at all times, in all shapes and forms.
Those shapes and forms are messier and more tired than most people know, and they’re especially tender after the battles we’re all fighting in 2020. That psychological safety mostly requires wine and some crying after I go toe-to-toe with an active shooter or a bomb threat or an employee that threatens my life when I fire them.
My immediate responses and the ability to articulate my needs has been catching people off guard for years, especially in the workforce.
I’ve been in countless meetings where leadership follows the “how can I help,” or “what do you need” script and once I start to speak they assume the same position as the man in the bar that’s been trying to get my number for weeks - back against the chair, eyes wide, eyebrows up.
It’s become apparent to me that Human Resources professionals have collectively, and historically, been unable to definitively answer the questions What Are You Looking For and What Do You Need?
Perhaps it is because we have allowed ourselves the busyness excuse, or perhaps it is because we are too afraid of our own thoughts when we sit alone with them, however it is a rare HR professional that is always prepared for authentic communication about their needs at any moment.
It is a rare HR professional to fight for their own needs.
And listen to me, dear friends, you can drop the selfless bit when you’re with me at this blog. There isn’t a human alive that is so selfless they don’t think about what they need. You are not that selfless and neither am I; you are not thinking so much about your employees that you’ve forgotten about yourself.
You have purposely avoided yourself.
Like women have avoided telling their partners that they don’t actually need someone that makes more money than them, they just need someone that pulls equal weight in the relationship.
Just like you don’t actually need more budget, you need a leadership that believes in your vision and proves it with actions.
So on this Presidential Election Night Eve in America, a night aching with some of the biggest needs in America’s lifetime, it’s deeply important to me to spend time encouraging the HR Warriors of 2020 to be prepared to talk about what you are looking for, and what you need after November 3, 2020.
Regardless of your political background, or where you’re located in the world, what happens in the United States election tomorrow and the months following will impact the workforce, and that impact will add another weight to your already crushed shoulders. So when you have your next one-on-one with your own leadership, are you ready to tell them what you’re looking for and what you need?
As I analyze how easy it is for me to voice my needs, I find these few strategies to be tried and true for me:
It’s rarely about the money - 95% of the time I think my team needs money, I actually need executive buy-in. There are times I need another FTE or more budget for new tech, but most of the time when I think we need money I realize I just need someone higher up to give a shit about what HR is doing and how HR is doing. This conversation normally sounds like, “Hey boss, my team and I are drowning and I feel like you don’t give a shit if we die out here in the ocean of problems caused by this company. You asked me what I need, so I’m telling you that I need you to care. I need you to care about how many hours this team is putting in, how tired I am, and to commit to this new plan I have to making things better. I need you to sell this plan to the other executives, and if you don’t it tells me you don’t care about the people on my team, or me.”
Voicing needs requires mental health - In order to know what I need, my mental health has to be at a pristine level. If I’m asked what I need and I can’t answer, that’s a sign I’m not taking care of my mental health - similar to my ability to run a mile, if I’m not working out, I simply can’t run a mile without dying. Voicing your needs easily is an exercise that comes from habitual practice and is a product of emotions that are well taken care of. It is crucial that you utilize therapists, physical exercise, proper nutrition, and other positive habits that set you up for success when this question comes your way. Hear me when I say this - you need to be prepared for this question HR professional. Do not dodge or block this question because you have not prepared for it; your companies and your teams and your souls are dying because you are not taking care of yourself outside of this question. Prepare for this like you prepare for a workout, that way when it comes your way you can slide into the question without missing a beat, and you can advocate your ass off for what’s truly important. Never again will we say, “I just don’t even know where to begin.”
If I don’t have butterflies, then I don’t know - Someone once quoted to me, “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.” While I don’t fully agree with the notion that you need to be afraid to be alive, I have found that if I don’t have butterflies in my stomach dreaming about what I need for myself or my team, then I don’t actually know what I need. If the needs I’m aiming for are so small they don’t make me need to hold onto my seat a little, then I’m not thinking big enough for myself or those around me. That small thinking is the “just keeping the lights on” type of thinking that keeps companies in systematic racism. Needs that don’t give you butterflies when you bring them to the table aren’t needs, they’re necessities, and those should already be met by the business. Sure, there are times where I have to voice necessities (like the “please give a shit” necessity), but most of the time it is my job as an HR professional to throw strategy around like a NEED, not a want. If my heart races a little when I get the chance to answer the question, I’m doing it right. I’ve been waiting for this moment to tell you something big, hear me out.
Whatever the United States of America looks like after November 3, 2020, Human Resources will have needs. It’s time we come to the table ready to voice those needs, fight for those needs, and watch as the business sits back in their chairs with their eyebrows raised. Let’s do the damn thing, HR warriors.