Eating Crap

“Kayla, I really like this guy in the IT department. I think he likes me too, but I’m not sure if I should date someone at work. I mean we’re not in the same department but we are in the same building.”

I remember sitting forward just a little when this employee came to me and I said gently but bluntly, “Our fraternization policy allows for you to date this gentleman, however if you think this is a good idea, think again. As one professional to another I need to tell you: never crap where you eat, otherwise you’ll end up eating crap.”

Despite my strong recommendation this employee dated the gentleman in IT, and within three months she was unable to even “join in meetings” or “give him paperwork” because their dating experience had been so negative. There was even a confessed pregnancy scare. The working relationship between these two individuals was so strained we had to have official mediation in order to have the people in both positions still adequately fulfill their job roles. After mediation the girl came to me and said, “I guess this is what eating crap feels like.”

In my career there have been countless stories like this (and worse) where employees chose to crap where they eat, and thus end up eating crap. The issue isn’t the fraternization policies, it’s management and culture.

I have worked under zero fraternization permitted, as well as fraternization permitted so long as employees do not report to the same manager, and all the policies in between, however I’ve learned policies do not and will not change human beings. You cannot code human beings to behave a certain way like you do technology; even humans named Alexa.

Policies protect the employer and give basic common sense to employees. Policies will never change the behavior of your employees, even your best ones, however policies can mitigate your risk.

The issue with workplace relationships, - romantic, platonic and familial - is that human beings are naturally and truthfully incapable of no bias. This is why a diverse workforce is so crucial in today’s corporate America. Without multiple perspectives from different backgrounds, employers will naturally and even unconsciously pick a workforce that looks and behaves like them. (Just in case you’re not convinced, check out this article and its statistic showing senior executive roles in the private sector are still 86% white, and 70% male).

Accepting the natural bias of yourselves and your employees can assist in recognizing workplace relationships are messy, period. They’re messy because it’s naturally much harder to keep confidential information to yourself when you’re in any kind of relationship with someone that works with you. They’re messy because you will forever and always give preference to the person you’re in a relationship with (and whoever they bring to the table) than any other individual despite qualifications. They’re messy because cliques are natural human groups that cause extreme destruction in the workforce.

Forbes reports: 58% of employees have engaged in romantic relationship with a colleague, 19% of employees have admitted to stepping out on a partner with a colleague at work, 64% of employees that participated in an office romance kept it a secret, 18% of employees reported having a random hookup with a coworker, and 72% stated they would participate in an office romance again if given the chance.

I’ll never forget the employee relations case I handled where a spouse found out her partner was having sex with a coworker on premises, during business hours due to the husband sexting the coworker on his iPhone, and the iPad at home notifying the wife of the workplace infidelity. The serious workplace conflict that case alone cost the organization more dollars than I’m willing to admit. Also, as an HR professional, having to see pictures of an employees private parts for an investigation is just wrong.

In the midst of the powerful #MeToo movement, and as professionals trying to create healthy, productive, safe, meaningful workplaces, the urgency to address workplace relationships is at an all time high.

Here are my recommendations for managing the risk these relationships cause:

1. Create a better fraternization policy

   1. If your fraternization policy simply states employees in any relationship cannot report to the same manager, you aren’t mitigating any risk. Your fraternization policies should include immediately informing the supervisors of both parties about the relationship, both parties being willing to move positions within the company to accommodate for the relationship, and information on appropriate and expected behavior in the workplace at a minimum. Vague policies in this relationship area are going to hurt you in the long run. Don’t be afraid to get into the messy details of these relationships - the employees certainly aren’t afraid of the mess either. Then do something totally foreign to most organizations…hold people to it. Even your C-Suite.

2. Train your managers

   1. Actually train them, seriously. Don’t get out your sign in sheet, go over the policy and then have them all sign they attended. Get into the weeds with your management on what you expect from them regarding this workforce. Encourage them to have meaningful conversations about the conflicts that can arise with a workplace relationship, and ensure your managers are enforcing the workplace expectations of behavior. If you don’t empower your managers to appropriately address the staggering amount of workplace relationships, you’re crippling your first lifeline in company culture. Stop being afraid of words like “sexual harassment, consent, inappropriate, sexual jokes” and start teaching supervisors to appropriately dive into a culture that’s already happening behind closed doors.

3. Lead by example

   1. If you’re an HR professional you know this one thing to be true - Human Resources is a lonely world. Whether you’re in a department of 20, or a department of 1, HR must maintain a standard that ultimately results in loneliness. The compliance, confidentiality and accountability requirements of this department are at a level few people understand, and that is without negotiation. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, let me introduce you to the Sales department. As HR professionals it is inappropriate to have a romantic relationship with anyone in the company, period. Trailing spouses aside, I’m sure this opinion won’t be welcomed, however as a person given the ability to see highly confidential information such as pay, medical information, and much more, it is never appropriate for you to be in a relationship with someone you have that much personal access to. It’s never appropriate for you to be in a relationship with someone you might fire one day. One of my greatest mentors told me something that has kept me from so many things (being drunk at a holiday party, dating the really cute guy in accounting and finding out he’s a player later, having to eat crap because I crapped where I ate): “Some may, but I will not.” The premise is simple: you might have a few drinks at the holiday party, but I won’t. You might date the cute guy from accounting, but I won’t. Our example is the thermostat for the company, and the temperature you’re setting will always, always, always be palpable.

If we’re not careful we’ll create a culture where our workforce is stuck eating crap because we didn’t help them avoid crapping where they eat.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!